I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
