idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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