Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
