I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
