she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
