I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
