Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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