why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
