can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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