I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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