please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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