i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Can Purell be used as lube?
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
