I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
