so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
