Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
