White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
