No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
