oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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