I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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