i love accidental penises.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Randomize
