I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
