He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
