just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
