You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
