Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
