I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
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