don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
