I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
