I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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