dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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