im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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