if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
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