Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
