Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
