Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
