I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I currently don't understand fingers.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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