i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
