Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
