I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
