Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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