Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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