Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
