Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
