i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
