Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
