meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
