You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Randomize
