and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
