I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
