so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize