You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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