shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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