I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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