I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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