Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Randomize
