How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
