hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
