She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Randomize
