I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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